The Foundation of a Great Conflict

The secret: Good People Make Bad Decisions
I learned the secret of a great conflict through my own life.

What is a Good Decision?

What makes a good decision a good decision? What makes a bad decision a bad one? Is it just the consequences of these decisions and our actions, or is there an underlying definition of ‘good’ and ‘bad.’

Many of us mess up our lives for years because we let others dictate our definitions of good and bad. I was one of those people. For more than twenty years, I listened blindly while others dictated what was good and bad. I followed without arguing, trying to force myself to live a life that earned their approval. I was over thirty five years old before I realized that the life I lived, the person I had become, and my future goals, did not earn my approval. I did not like the person whom I had become.

I begged for other’s approval, feeling discouraged when they withheld affirmation and elated when I received the smallest praise. I lived my life to please others. This drained me, emotionally and physically. I was often sick. My list of successes and accomplishments was very short. I compensated with beliefs that “My greatest accomplishment is helping _______ reach their goals.” “I am a good person because my family is comfortable and well cared for.”

I never realized how these beliefs were ruining my life, and my family’s lives, until I worked as a housekeeper. Over the two years that I cleaned house, I started to notice a difference between the families of ‘good’ women and women who did not fit my definition of good. The first set of women (men) managed their homes and families so well that their adult children still lived at home, had no goals, and no independence. The second set of women (men) gave their children independence, allowing them to grow, but they were there to catch them when they fell.

I started to realize that ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are only perceptions. Of course, society has limits: do not steal, do not have an affair, do not kill, do not abandon your responsibilities. We understand these rules because we recognize the damage these things have on others, but more importantly, they can ruin our lives for years. We know they are wrong because they damage our ability to enjoy life, respect ourselves, and be happy – even if it seems like we ‘got away with it.’



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